Here I am – grieving, crying, reflecting, memorizing parts of me and him that will never come back. When a breakup feels prompt, cold, unfair and like pure betrayal, it feels as if your heart is broken into many pieces at once. Ripped open without warning. This enormous pain feels so brutal and devastating yet there is no other way than to walk through it all and to grow. The process resembles a constant survival fight in your mind, heart, and soul. I feel ashamed of not having listened to my body 2.5 years before and had to go through all this pain. I could not see and decode the messages because I was in denial for a long time. Very early it was clear that my body, especially my bladder and Yoni were wiser than the parts of me that were longing for tenderness, company, lover’s high, and neediness that they accepted to suppress my longing for deep true love, my own needs, my self-worth, and pride. 

When there is a separation you not only lose your partner but at least 2 other identities. I did not know until I was listening to a podcast yesterday. The part that is ME when I am WITH this person and the other that is ME FOR the other person. I did not know about the extent of the loss until yesterday and now I see the value in honoring these lost parts as well. Each of them played a role in all this growth and transformation last 2 years. 

There was the person I lost, I thought was my lover, my friend, my soul mate, and potential business partner. It turned out that there was never a true friendship and that shocked me most and that I was in denial for a long time about the truth of this relationship. 

I realized that my standard for a friendship had totally changed after 2 years and I was not the same person who accepted noncommitment any longer. So I drew him out to become clear of his energy and how this dynamic played out. There was a child part of me that put him on a pedestal, afraid of demanding too much of him. A part that wanted to please and be loved and accepting his rules and his dreams and suppressing my own. Then there was this other part of me, that was pure seduction, a mistress willing to fulfill his wildest erotic dreams and ingratiating herself. I drew them all out and I could see the dynamic and closed-up energy trying to infuse it with mine. 

So I decided today to have a fire ritual, burning goodbye letters to all 3 identities, putting the ashes in a little coffin box with a heart and flowers inside.  I painted the white Yoni art piece in complete black and got the blueprint of the 3 energies on the canvas. Tomorrow I will have a goodbye ceremony at the River Rhine. We will have a full moon in sag (my star sign) to release all that will never come back into the waters. Writing this feels healing and soothing at the same time.

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